Who wants the Clap for Valentines Day???

okay so this is a just as equally humorous mommy story, except that this happened shortly before Christmas.

I'm studying for my Microbiology Final and I was searching for things (microbes and the like) and I came across this site : http://www.giantmicrobes.com/. I started looking at what they had for sale and being the Geek that I am, thought it was a FANTASTIC idea! My daughter comes up behind me and sees the stuffed animals, the following conversation ensues:

Brooklyn: What 'cha doin mommy?

Me: just looking at stuff...

B: what kinda stuff?....OOO what's that??

Me: That?? It's AIDS. Why?

B: AIDS? Mommy can I have AIDS for Christmas???

OMFG!! I couldn't STOP laughing!!! Does that make me sick??? Needless to say, she stood right next to me as I viewed the rest of the plushies and proceeded to as me if she could also have the Clap and Salmonella for Christmas as well.

Now that you have peed your pants you can all go and buy one of these wonderful plushies for all your friends! I can see how this could be GREAT fun at the office party or Secret Santa!

Till Next time!

Muah!

Rubbers

So I had to vacuum because I'm having company over to watch the Bowl - ugh. I have a bagless and it needs to be emptied because of course my son, who used it last when he cleaned his room, hadn't. I see something yellow... WTF?? it's a condom! He FUCKING vacuumed it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm outside emptying the cylinder now. Son comes outside; the following conversation ensues:

ME: Next time you vacuum your room, don't fucking vacuum up any more condoms!

SON: (reddened face) ..buh, I didn't...

ME: You used the vacuum last didn't you???

Son: well, yeah, but...

ME: We'll your father and I sure as hell don't use those and I doubt your father is cheating on me; so please, next time you clean your room DON'T vacuum up your condoms!

SON: (laughing) but, I , didn't...well, I didn't mean to... I didn't do anything with it

ME: This isn't funny, you do that again and it breaks the fucking vacuum - you're buying us a new one!

Now, before this entire conversation/yelling incident occurred outside the house on the front lawn, my 5 year old sees me pull said condom out of the vacuum bin as says "Is that a RUBBER????" I inform her that yes indeed it is a rubber and tell her to take it to daddy so he can see it! (LOL) (It wasn't used or anything - it just had dust and dirt from the vacuum on it) Ken sees it and says "EWWW where'd you get that?!?!?" "From mommy - it was in the vacuum - do you like my balloon Daddy??" "No!, now go throw that away and wash your hands!"

Now, you may be wondering why I'm not horrified that a condom came out of my 14 year old sons room. Well for one, that means if he is sexually active - which i seriously doubt, at least he's using protection. And 2 I was sexually active at his age, so it really wouldn't surprise me if he was. So that was my funny mommy story for the day and just thought I should share!!

Muah!

Crack is Whack, Yo!

After some serious thought, I've decided to share some fairly personal information. My life was not always as it is now. Actually I grew up in a divorced home, but I was a well-off, happy kid. Did great in school. Got accepted to 3 or 4 colleges right out of high school. (Northwestern Illinois and Arizona State to name a couple) Shortly after I graduated high school (Lyons Township High School in Illinois) my parents decided that they were going to sell the Chicago house and move to the Englewood, FL house. I said "Eww I don't want to move to FL. Can I go live with Dad?" and I ended up in NJ. (I know WHAT was I thinking??) So I moved in with my Dad, got some piddly jobs and started going to college again. (I had been attending The University of Illinois-Chicago and then College of DuPage before) Then I met Boy#1. Boy #1 was very nice, shy, quiet, liked Hockey, and had apparently never had a girlfriend before. I met him online. We hit it off pretty good and well, we were together for 3 years. (I think) Eventually I ended up moving in with him (he still lived at home). We were like 19. I had started working at a police station as a dispatcher and things were good. Life was good. But as karma would have it, we drifted apart. This is where things get graphic and Rated -R. I meet Boy #2. Also via the Internet. Boy #2 is a BAD boy. Boy #2 has spent time in prison for assault with a deadly weapon. Boy #2 is COVERED in tattoos and Boy #2 is a BULLSHIT artist. Of course, I don't realize any of this until .... 4 years AFTER I meet him! Boy #1 and I break up, amicably, and I start seeing Boy #2. Boy #2 and I get a place together, I get 4 tattoos and a piercing, Boy #2 buys (read steals from his dealer) the BEST dog I've ever had; Boy #2 tells me that his son (yeah) and ex are moving to FL and he wants to go too (yeah); I say okay!, resign from the PD and we head to FL. We head to FL with no money, no job prospects and no where to live and, oh yeah, in the brad new car that I had just LEASED because I had this GREAT job at a PD. By this time I had started smoking weed daily. Not for any other reason except that it was there - he had it. Hell there was always at least a "brick" in my freezer - he was selling it. Yes, in case you were wondering, we made the trip down here with LOTS of weed - Thank GOD we didn't get caught. We did actually get pulled over. THAT was scary. To speed things up a bit.... Over the course of our "relationship" i held meaningless jobs because we were constantly moving from place to place. He maintained his "profession" of "pharmacist" - and let me be the FIRST to day that #2 was the shitty-ist businessman EVER! At one point because we had no other place to live we lived with his Ex. Yup, that's right! I've also lived in a car and in a tent with #2. For a little while, #2 managed to hold a decent job with a plumbing company, but then some tools came up missing..... so back to "pharmacist" he went. He convinced me that if we moved away from where we were at the time, we could start over. So we went to Okeechobee. Again i got a piddly job at the Dunkin Donuts there. We had NO vehicle, were living on the porch of a Meth addict, and my boss was gracious enough to pick me up and take me home everyday. Next thing I know we're now living in the house of the kid making the meth and , you guessed it, we're doing it. Now this didn't seem like a huge step for me. I'd already, by this point, tried acid, crack, cocaine, and Ecstasy (this should TOTALLY be legal). The people we knew were shooting it. Not me! Hell no! Comes to be that the people we were living with got busted and we sorta stayed living in their house for a while because #2 charmed the pants of this couples mother who lived next door. #2 thinks that he should still try and sell this kids product so we can have money. He dicks some guy over, the guy breaks into the house and what does he steal?? MY FUCKING DOG! YES, my pure-bread American Staffordshire Terrier, who was all white! My FUCKING PIT! ASSHOLE! why take my shit when Asshole was the one who screwed you over???!??!? Well the dude thought that #2 loved me enough to make amends to get my dog back - nope. He was wrong. He did how ever get the awesomest dog alive from it. We snorting, smoking, eating Meth on a daily basis now. Meth causes you to not sleep, not be hungry, and not be thirsty. I was forcing myself to eat and drink. I think I ate mac -n- cheese and drank kool-aid for like a month. After like a week long binge, I finally crashed and slept. I slept for 20 hours (this is "normal"). I got up went to work at DD, came home and slept again till the next day when I had to work. This pattern went on for like 4 days. I started to kinda freak. I was wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I insisted that I had fucked something up inside while taking meth, so I went to the clinic. Told the doc what was going on with me and asked what was wrong. Doc ran some tests and advised me that nothing was wrong I was just pregnant. 5 months pregnant! Oh shit! I'd been doing all those drugs during the most important stages of fetal development! So i yanked my head so far outta my ass and said this is it - NO MORE! I tell my parents (my mom) and she says so what. (I had burned her bridge so many times before this that I kinda expected her to react that way) We end up moving back in with #2 mom. He gets back in with is old buddies and into the Crack scene. I'm 8 months pregnant and smoking crack in his mothers upscale condo. I'm not using everyday, but once is enough. And it was more than once. I'm clean for month 9. I guess I should mention that I had a job I LOVE at a party store making balloon decorations like centerpieces and balloon arches, and stuff like that. I worked there up until the day I delivered. #2 managed to get arrested for possession of cocaine when I was 7 months preggers. He got put on probation and was supposed to attend rehab as part of it. Brooklyn is born. We have to move out of his mothers because the condo association is complaining. We go from hotel to hotel. We're now at one where we pay weekly. I'm working at Arby's. He's still selling. Oh yeah, I left something out. Before we got this hotel we had gone to this place for assistance in finding housing and they made us both take drug tests. He was positive for marijuana and cocaine. I was positive for cocaine. My daughter was 1 month old. Child services was involved. I had 2 options give her to the state or sign her over to his mother. i chose option 2. We also had to attend outpatient drug counseling. This was the deal breaker. Because I had helped him with a deal - I tested positive . I had been holding his dope (crack) in my mouth. I complied with Child Services - hell if they had told me I had to kill someone to get her back I would have. I was on the phone with my Investigator daily. To the point where he told me to stop calling him. He would ask me about #2 and he hadn't changed. He was still selling and still using. We were now living with a dealer friend of his and I was working for Sketchers. The child services case was dropped because we complied so well and our random drug screens (that were NOT random) had all been clean. #2 decides that he was going to check himself into rehab. (remember he needed to do this as a condition of his probation anyway). He thinks that if he goes on his own - it will look better for him. I go to visit him, I'm still living with the dealer friend of his, and when I come back - the apartment is EMPTY. I mean EVERYTHING gone. Everything except for my daughters things, thank God, and my stuff. I guess at least he was thoughtful enough not to take our stuff. I guess. I freak out! Call the cops, Call #2 in rehab (he's not supposed to get any calls, but I figured this qualified as an emergency), call #2's mom. I end up calming down. While living in this apartment we had made friends with some guys that were living in the apt below us, mainly because they smoked weed. But #2 had decided that this bunch of guys was responsible enough to watch our 2 month old daughter when he went to go sell. And one of them was. He's #3. I tell #3 that I have to get away from #2. #3 tells me that #2 treats me like shit and that I shouldn't put up with it and that it's now way for me or my daughter to live. Now mind you my parents had told me this THOUSANDS of times and I didn't listen. But this time it hit home, sank in and I wanted OUT! #3 tells me that in 1 week he'll be going to New Mexico to go home and help his mom out and asks me if i want to go too. I see this as the ultimate opportunity to get out! I jump on it. I tell No one. I don't elude to it to #2 or to his mother. I call my mother and tell her what is going on. She begs me to just come home - they can help me. I explain to her that I understand they can, but I need to get out of Florida, but that i would stop and see her on my way to NM. So a week later, I had chosen what I though was important enough to bring and #3 and I were headed to NM. I was there for a month. Then I needed to go home. I went to my mothers. I was home. I basically start my life all over again. My parents got me a car, i got a job and I met Ken. I met him thru Match.com. We've been through a lot together. His divorce, my almost dying, his almost dying, getting Brooklyn's biological father's parental rights revoked, getting married and adopting Brooklyn. We will be through a lot more together. He is my rock. I've been sober for 5 years now. It's a good feeling and for me it's not really a daily struggle. It's a choice and and easy one at that. Why would I ever want the life I had?? How easy of a choice is that? I can't say that doing what I did was all bad. If either of my kids are high - i'll fucking know. I know what weed smells like, I know what burning cocaine smells like, I know what meth smells like, I know what Crack smells like. I know the paraphernalia for all looks like. I know the code names for all of them. I was immersed in the culture - I know it!
I'm not so worried about Matt, because his mom has her own issues with this subject and he despises her and what she does. But, Brooklyn had the tendencancy for addictions that comes from both sides, although, she does display the leader attitude so she might be okay.
sorry this is so long. It actually should have been MUCH longer. I left out quite a bit. Something in me decided that this should be shared. Feel free to ask me any questions as i have NO shame in talking about this period of my life. I actually enjoy them. :)

It's a good thing if it hurts

As I mentioned last post - I joined the YMCA. I went to my first class on Tuesday and I hurt until yesterday!Last night I went to a Yoga class. I went with my sister, Liz, and well, it was interesting. First of all we were the youngest ones in the class - by 30-40 years!!!! (She's 16 years younger than I am) So, there we are, doing our stretches when I realize the music that is playing in the background is actually The Lord's Prayer! Which is fine if you're in church, but um, HELLO! this is the Y folks! It says nowhere in the class description that we would be exposed to such things. We also took time out in class to "pray" and count our blessings. Now I understand that Yoga has a spiritual component to it, but if that is going to be included in the lesson - I think that it should be included in the course description. There was no working out today because the Y closes at, get this, 5 on Saturdays! Apparently people don't work out after 5 on the weekend.

On all other fronts: the kids are good, hubby is busy working on schoolwork, cat is a pain in the ass (but cute as hell), and I'm still up to date on my school work and understanding it all - yay!

Wow, this was a stretch for a post - I have no creative juice left in my body for this after doing English homework :(
Sorry for the crappy post...till next time!!

Muah!

There are muscles where??

I did it. I joined the YMCA near my house. I went to my first class today. FitBall & Sculpt. Well I can tell you that I now know that I have muscles in places I didn't think they could exist. I also learned something more unpleasant - I really need to work on doing some ore Kegel exercises. Jumping Jacks are NOT my friend! I didn't realize that my pelvic muscles were THAT weak! The class was AWESOME though! I worked hard; broke a sweat and plan on going back on Thursday! My husband, Kenny, says he'll be surprised if I'll even be able to walk tomorrow - I'm kinda scared. I must have worked every muscle group from my abs down. We used the balance ball and just did various balances, lifts, and other moves that targeted EVERY muscle I had!
My plan is to go 6 days a week. Not the same class, I'd do this one on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then on Mondays and Wednesdays I want to do "Zumba", which is a Latin-dance based aerobics and strength class. On Fridays there is the Intro. to Spin class and then Kickboxing on Saturday mornings!! I REALLY want to do the Kickboxing class!!! I just hope I can move by then!

The other thing I need to mention after watching the Presidential Inauguration, President Obama is TRULY an amazing speaker. I was captivated listening to his Inaugural Speech. I'm not going to analyze his speech - I'm not the right person to do that. I have not enough experience or the knowledge to do so. I'm just amazed in the President's ability to give speeches. I wish I had that confidence and ability for speech.

I shall update you more frequently with my exercise stories - which could possibly be quite funny - maybe if you're lucky!

Twitter Moms: The Influential Moms Network

Come on! Hang out here with me under my rock!

Hi my name is Nicole and it's been 7 days since my last post.
Seriously where does the time go?? Not a whole lot has happened to my clan throughout the week.
Ken and I went up to school to get our school books since classes start tomorrow. He's already done with the assignments for his programming class - thru MARCH! (NERD) I'm trying to be good and not fall behind, so I've started assignments in Both my English class and my Medical Terminology class. Those are my 2 online classes this semester. I have 2 other classes that I actually have to go to campus for and those are Spanish 2 and Art History 1 - ewwww.
So let's start by discussing my English class. I have to pass it to graduate. It's a "Gordon Rule" class (which means it goes towards the some 24,000 words I need to write to graduate). This is the 3rd attempt I've made at it. It's all about analyzing short stories and poetry and crap!
Now I didn't fail my first 2 times around. I actually withdrew myself. Once because there was this MAJOR group project assigned and my "teammates" were all like 18 (literally). they had all just graduated from the same school and were already all buddy buddy. Which is cool, except for the fact that they wanted to sped EVERY weekend together. None of them worked, they ALL lived at home with their parents, none of them had kids and well - I'm not into sleepovers and pot anymore. Although sometimes I wonder if i should reconsider that last one. And the second time I withdrew was this past summer. I has signed up to take the class online, in 6 weeks. I had also signed up for the Art History class. The English got dropped because well, we were in Disney World - who wants to do homework while they're on vacation?? I mean we walked around Epcot all day and then I was supposed to go back to our hotel room, read some crappy sonnet, and then make discussion board posts in response to it?? I don't think so! All I wanted to do was rest up so we could go back to the park at nite! the Art History class got dropped 1. becuase it too was a Gordon Rule class and 2. because of that it required me to write a 10 page paper. Now 10 pages, that's not bad. But I also had Art History 2 - with the same teacher, same Gordon Rule requirements, and in the same 6 week time frame. Yeah that would be 2 10 page papers in 6 weeks. I'm not the paper writing type. I don't know what i was thinking - I just REALLy wanted that Degree. Maybe if I had had some Meth for those weeks, MAYBE, I could have finished all that work - but not alone. I was so crazy for even trying. so where was I even going with this?? OH yeah, my current English class.
It's online and it's already starting to fill up my binder with papers! Not one's that I've written, but ones that the teacher is filling up with instructions and stuff. I only have ne assignment left for the orientation module - to write a response to someone else's discussion board post, but there arent any new ones. There are some 50 kids in this class - 3 of us have posted so far. I think, that if I blog more regularly, my blog posts should count towards the 24,000 words I need to write to graduate!
The first "Unit" we're doing is Peotry - UGH! The Haiku! WTF is a Haiku?!? I mean I know what it is - but WHY? What's the point?? I'm going to HATE this class, but I'm trying not to because if I let my hatred get un the way I'll never graduate.
The Medical Language Terminology class, HA! Easy Peasy Japaneesy! Like who doesn't know what AB/NORM/AL means?? That's right abnormal. It's a medical term meaning "pertaining to away from the norm". Or how about what an ANTI/TUSS/IVE is for?? All you moms out there know this one I'm sure! It's just a big fancy word for "an agent that works against coughing". Like cough suryp! How about GASTERO/ENTERO/LOGY? Yup, that's right! That's the "study of the stomach and intestines"! I'm sure it gets harder somewhere along the line, but right now this is GREAT! The fact that I worked in a hospital for a year and the Microbiology class I had last semester will probably help out a lot for this class!
So that's what I've been up to. Getting prepared for this semester to start, working, and just hanging out. I hadn't forgotten about this blog - I just couldn't find the time to write anything. Not that this is all that great, but it's something.
I'll try my best to keep up with regular posts for my 3 adoring fans!!